


The Beast of War

by jjameslily



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24007600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjameslily/pseuds/jjameslily
Summary: A story about the delicate journey to love, about fierce bonds touched by both destiny and death, and about a damn beast of a war they never saw coming.
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted in 2018 on ff.net before completely abandoning it. I recently decided to start it up again and wanted to post it here too. Enjoy!

_Some Time Before_

James Potter couldn't tell you _when_ he fell in love all for the simple reason that he would hardly ever allow himself to think (hardly knew enough about himself), at the time, to know love was ever alive to begin with. Maybe once, before it all, he had felt it – once when the hour had grown late and nothing but the moon to light up the corner of his bed. Behind his closed ones, visions of eyes as green as the water in the summertime rested against speckled fair skin. It was only once – the slipping feeling he had felt in his legs, the burning sensation he had felt when those eyes had washed up on the shore of his skin, alone with the deafening silence in the dark – that he might have admitted it to be love.

He might have admitted he often thought about what her rosy fair skin would look against his sun-stroked brown.

But only once (that he'll admit to).

James Potter was a great many things. He was reckless with a mind mannered for mischief and a charm that could walk you off the edge of a cliff. He was made up of maddening contradictions, an unapologetic mess of a boy, and fit for a fight at every corner. He was born a curious mind and taught to be unafraid in his opinions. Birthed in a miracle to Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, James was very much loved, and therefore, had very much to give in return. He was a fierce opponent, an even fiercer friend, and brave at heart.

James Potter was _never_ wrong. (No) James Potter seldom _admitted_ when he was wrong.

It was a quiet kind of pride that lived in his bones, followed him through the corridors, and rested his eyes away from flashes of dark red waves – a pride that braved the day, only to leave him bare beneath the moonlight. It was much easier this way, you see – to deny it all – to pretend that for the last year he hadn't lived for the moments she would accidentally brush past him in the Great Hall, her " _Go away, Potter_ ," to see her bite the inside of her cheek when she held back a particularly nasty remark, the possibility of finding her wandering gaze in Charms. He'd spent enough time indulging in the pink that spread across her face when he teased her, argued with her, pursued her. It was easier to pretend he was past it.

Because James Potter was not in love with Lily Evans. (No) Because James Potter did not _want_ to be in love with Lily Evans.

So he decided he wouldn't be (in love).

_Some Time After_

Lily Evans couldn't tell you _how_ she fell in love all for the simple reason that she hardly knew enough about herself (would hardly ever allow herself to think), at the time, to know love was ever alive to begin with. Maybe once, after it all, she had thought it – once when the warmth of the sun had crept in through the window and nothing but the rustle of a morning breeze soothed the hurricane in her mind. Through and past the window, images of wild unruly curls as black as midnight hung over thin round glasses perched on the edge of a delicately shaped nose. It was only once – the sense of gravity without a center, the hum of electricity that whispered across her fingertips when his hand rested lightly on the side of her arm, alone in the crowd of laughter and noise that was The Great Hall – that she might have admitted to being in love.

She might have admitted she often thought about the purple flare that lit in his hair when firelight touched it, what it might look like through her fingers.

But only once (that she'll admit to).

Lily Evans was a great many things. She was headstrong with eyes that shined the light from within a gentle heart and a wit that could cut you deep to the bone. She was made up of sweet responsibility, an emotional mess of a girl and a selfless will to defend the people she loved. She was born with a hot temper and taught to be kind with her hands. Born in quiet Cokeworth, England with her sister Petunia, Lily learned to create beauty in the things that were simple, in the stillness that resided within the town. She was a fierce friend, an even fiercer opponent, and generous with her heart.

Lily Evans was _never_ sure of what she wanted. (No) Lily Evans seldom _admitted_ to the things she wanted.

It was a quiet kind of pride that whispered in her ear, sat beside her under the faint glow of lanterns when she stayed late in the library, and stopped her from looking too long into eyes that held more shades of gold and brown that she had known existed – a pride that trembled even in the most crowded of places. It was much harder this way, you see – to deny it all – to pretend that she hadn't spent the last few months studying his face scrunch up in frustration rather than pain when he got hit with a bludger, the different faces he wore with his " _Oye, Evans,_ " his effortless flick of a wand in Transfiguration, the motherly way he fussed over Lupin when he would get ill. She'd spend enough time pretending the small smile his mouth held when he took notes didn't soften all the previous notions she'd held against him. It was harder to pretend she could fight it all.

Because Lily Evans did not _want_ to be in love with James Potter. (No) Because Lily Evans had _been_ in love with James Potter for quite some time now.

So she decided she would be (in love).

* * *

James and Lily stood there now, standing under the same moonlight where he had once quietly re-traced the memory of each spot that marked a map across her face, where he had once decided she was only the idea of a girl he didn't actually want – that didn't belong to him – and for once he felt afraid of what might come next. It was oddly familiar, their closeness now, but only because he was looking into her eyes, a sort of sedative for the flight response turning gears in his limbs. Her eyes were darker than he'd seen before, the color of a raging storm against the sea, the color the trees turned after a night of heavy rain.

Their hands were still on each other, one against her ribcage and the other on her waist, hers gripping the sides his shoulders where she caught herself. Her heart was beating hard against his palm and he worried she could hear the roar within his own chest. All he needed was one moment of nerve – _real_ nerve – that no prank or fight had ever prepared him for. _Brave_ , they always called him. _Fearless_. But when it came to Lily Evans, and in such a state he had never found himself before, he couldn't understand why they had always called him those things. She disarmed him, and so very easily.

With his face only inches apart from hers, he let go of her gaze and looked at her parted lips. He could feel her breath against his skin, and with the slightest slant of his neck, he rested his forehead against hers.

Lily closed her eyes and he couldn't help but only partially drop his lids to watch as her lips inched closer towards him, and then he thought to himself, conquered, _I'm in love with Lily Evans_.

But our story doesn't begin here.


	2. A Sunset Going Down

Lily Evans vividly remembers when she fell in love with magic.

She remembers her father in the kitchen with her mother's apron on, holding her in his arms even though she was too old now to be carried. He had held her hand and a whisk in the same grip and they danced as her father sang sweetly along to the stereo.

"… _have you seen her dressed in blue? see the sky in front of you,_

_and her face is like a sail, speck of white so fair and pale_

_have you seen a lady fairer…"_

They made pancakes together in the mornings and always made a complete mess of it. Lily would get flour everywhere: in her hair, on her clothes, across her arms. "Sundays are for messes," her father had told her with a laugh, sprinkling flour onto his own greying hair and smearing some across her cheek with the swipe of his thumb. Petunia had never liked messes, in fact, the sensation of the thick and moist flour underneath her fingernails made her cringe and accompany their mother to pick fresh flowers from the square instead of preparing breakfast. Lily's mother had always placed an importance keeping flowers around, much on giving them out as well, and could be found in several of the rooms that made up their house. Sundays always worked like this. After church, Lily and her father would return home to make breakfast, and Petunia and her mother would set off for the square on foot.

She was in his arms, twirling around in the kitchen, and Lily had been so intensely delighted to be with her father, she hardly noticed when he stopped spinning. In the midst of her melodic giggles, she followed his gaze above them where petals danced in the air around them. She had stopped laughing and they stood there for what felt like a long time until she lifted her hand out of his and reached to touch the closest of the petals to their heads. He began to protest. She remembered the fleeting moment of panic that jolted through his body before her finger met the edge of one single petal. It glowed and bounced away, which had made her upset, and simultaneously they all dropped into a pile on their kitchen floor.

It wouldn't be until a few years later that they would document this as Lily's first witnessed act of underage magic. Her father had looked from Lily's face to the varying display of petals around their feet, dumbfounded, unsure of how he knew he shouldn't be afraid and unsure of how, without any supporting evidence, he knew his youngest daughter had caused the small miracle. Because it had been so beautiful a sight, a miracle was what it must have been.

"What are you, flower?" He had asked her with a nervous laugh, but a brilliant smile.

"… _she's like a rainbow_

_coming colors in the air_

_oh, everywhere, she comes in colors…"_

At the age of eleven, Lily sat across from her parents and woman who introduced herself as Minerva and listened to her explain to Mr. and Mrs. Evans that their daughter was gifted and belonged to an exceptionally gifted world. Her father had looked at her with that same brilliant wide smile, swelling with pride and honor, and Lily knew that she did not have to be afraid of her peculiarities the way her sister had been when the products of her gifts – her _magic_ , she had to remind herself – had been less and less far between. It was with his smile on her that Lily began to love magic with all the same strength and devotion that her father had loved her that day in their kitchen.

_Eighth Week, Sixth Year_

Lily was mindlessly watching her spoon spin circles into her tea, which had long been abandoned along with her Potions textbook, the likes of which she was supposed to be studying. Remus sat close beside her with an arm folded under his head as he scribbled into his notebook, ink stains on his fingers from hurried writing. The grounds outside were clattered with hailstones and lightning struck the dark sky behind thick grey clouds. The effect of the weather and dim lighting in the dining hall weighed heavily on her eyelids.

These quiet nights were few and far between, but on rainy days, Gryffindor team liked to practice. Rather, Potter would force them to run plays and train until water weighed too heavily into the fibers of their clothing to stay on their brooms. Sometimes Lily and Remus would watch them fly about in the stands, but Lily would _only_ come along if the weather was agreeable, and _only_ if she and Remus still hadn't worked out their homework (but more on that later).

She often found herself in Remus' company since the start of the school year, given they had both become prefects this year (to which she replied with a " _bite me_ " and an obscene gesture her mother would not approve of when questioned who she had to murder to get the job). It wasn't that they hadn't been friends, in fact, she had considered him a friend before they became partners in crime. Well, partners in stopping crime… but mostly, partners of stopping students from snogging in empty classrooms. The latter just didn't have the same ring to it, y'know? But being friends with Remus had come quite naturally to her, and quite easily _maintained_ than the ones she held with the rest of his friends.

Sirius Black hadn't taken the same liking to her that James Potter had, although it became fairly clear to Lily that Potter's persistent pursuit was more of a joke than any act fueled by genuine feeling. Peter, well, Lily hadn't conversed much with Peter outside of the classroom. He seemed mostly warm towards her whenever he wasn't shadowed behind Sirius, but she figured it was one of those " _you have to hate who I hate_ " kind of deals. She wasn't going to try and delve into the minds of teenage boys. Her life was hard enough already with James Potter spending their every moment together (the word "together" being used loosely, Lily Evans would remind you) trying to embarrass her in front of the entire school.

She hated him.

Well, she was trying to pretend to anyway. Breaking from her routine was far less confusing than whatever churning feeling she had felt eight weeks ago when she had spotted James Potter getting off the train at Hogsmeade.

"Are you alright?" She felt a poke against her arm.

"Hmm, what?" Remus' voice broke her away from her thoughts, looking down to where his fork was digging against her arm.

"You've been unusually quiet… And you dropped butter on your notes earlier."

She darted his fork away. "I thought it would make studying for Slughorn's exam far more appealing."

"I don't think it worked." He looked at her greasy paper with judgment.

"My ideas can't all be winners, Lupin."

Dropping her belongings messily over the table in front of them, Marlene climbed into the bench across from her with a huff. Her brown hair was damp and tied into a loose knot at the base of her neck where dry pieces of hair had already begun to curl. Lily flinched at the sudden loudness of it all. Remus only lifted his eyes from his paper to look up at her, smiled, and returned to his writings.

"How was practice, Mar?" Remus raised his eyebrows at Lily's question, or was it her tone, and shared a look with Marlene. Lily pretended not to notice this exchange.

"Brutal." She replied, grabbing a biscuit from the plate of food in front of Lily. "There was a lot of yelling, a hell of a lot more rain, and I almost fell off my broomstick during a play, which resulted in _more_ yelling." James Potter had built up quite a reputation as Captain in the last two months.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, it's fine," she said with her mouth full, "Because Wicks actually _did_ fall off his broom after he sniggered some comment about having girls on the team."

Marlene's gaze flickered past Lily's shoulder briefly before looking back at her, "Serves him ri—," she stopped mid-sentence and shifted her gaze behind Lily once more, a mildly amused expression spreading across her face.

Lily, confused, followed her gaze behind her and was met with a pair of cool blue eyes. She swiftly looked away. "Merlin's sake," she groaned into her hands.

"Poor bloke," Remus snorted as he watched Malcolm Peakes continue to bore his eyes into the back of Lily's head. "Marlene, which would you say is the most brutal? Lily breaking up with Malcolm or Quidditch practice?"

"Oh, Malcolm takes home the gold… and silver."

Lily threw a carrot at Marlene's head, easily dodged due to Lily's remarkably terrible aim.

They hadn't been together long before she broke it off with Malcolm, mostly because they'd gotten together five weeks before summer break and Lily chose not to count that considering she had spent a fair amount of that break figuring out a way to let him down easy. It had become clear to Lily that she wasn't as invested in their relationship as he was. Of course, in the beginning, she was very smitten with him. He was gorgeous. Inexplicably handsome. He had short waves of straw-colored hair and his eyes shined of blues and greys that reminded her of spring skies. His smile was dazzling, too, one of those that turned up in one corner of his face. Lily had always found those types of smiles so charming.

They had many long walks throughout the castle and stolen kisses in corridors. He would offer her his scarf when it got too cold in the courtyard and take her hands in his to warm her. Being with him had been easy, never having to guess what he was thinking and hardly ever disagreeing with one another.

When he asked to write to her over the summer, she had beamed, and he left her breathless with a sweet, long kiss on the lips.

But many things had changed for Lily that summer before her sixth year at Hogwarts. She had received many letters, some from her friends, some from relatives she hardly knew, letters she sorted as she sat in her living room with her mother and sister all dressed in black.

Among a series of letters Malcolm had written to Lily, most of which had gone without reply, came another rather unexpectedly, but not entirely unwelcome, by one James Potter that only furthered that changed (but more on that later).

And when she had arrived at Platform 9 ¾ to find Malcolm waiting for her, and he had kissed her; she felt nothing… rather guiltily because she had completely forgotten to look for him. She had been searching for another face.

"Malcolm, there's something I wanted to talk to you about," she had blurted out during the welcoming feast, cutting through the retelling of his trip to the United States.

He had propped up, straightened his back, and stared at her with a glimmer in his eyes.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She felt uncomfortable beneath his gaze.

"Nothing – oh, sorry, please continue."

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "I want to start by saying that, I-I think – I mean, you're brilliant, absolutely. And you've been so sweet to me—" she could barely stand to look at him as he watched her with that charming smile of his, and instead looked down at her hands as she wrung them together in her lap.

"Your letters this summer were beautiful. I've really enjoyed our time together—"

He lifted his hand to stop her. "I know where this is going. You don't have to say anything else."

"You really don't," she interjected, but he stopped her once more by taking her hand in both of his with a meaningful expression on his face. "Lily, I think I know where we've been headed for a while now."

"Really?" She asked rather dubiously, wondering if perhaps she had rehearsed this moment for no reason.

"Yes. I understand completely." He paused and looked down at their hands.

Lily was almost relieved she didn't have to say the words that would crush him.

"I love you too, Lily."

Almost.

She nearly choked on her own breath, "I'm sorr— _what_?"

"That's what you meant, wasn't it?" He smiled and kissed her hand, she tried to pull away. "I thought perhaps it was too soon, especially considering everything you've been through this summer, but listening to you talk right now… I think you're brilliant too – more than brilliant. And I know it hasn't been very long, but I'm certain that what we ha–"

"I want to break up." She blurted out, but shouted more than anything, causing any student within earshot to turn their heads.

It had been terrible timing on Lily's part, but she's never been the best at approaching these types of things.

The weeks that followed had been.. uncomfortable, at best. Malcolm had made several attempts at trying to convince Lily she was just projecting, purposely pushing him away due to overwhelming emotion. She wished it had been just that. _He really was perfect_ , she thought.

But perfect wasn't enough. And the grief she dealt with before their untimely breakup, had only helped cleared her head that she was looking for something else. Some _one_ else (but Lily wasn't ready to go quite into specifics yet).

Just then a broomstick landed on the table, knocking over Lily's tea, the pages of her buttered notes soaked. Lily wondered why everyone was throwing things today. But even further, she wondered why Sirius was just as wet as Marlene when he wasn't even on the team.

Sirius clapped Remus rather forcefully on the back, leaving a wet handprint on his sweater. He hadn't bothered to dry off before dinner. Remus barely flinched at his touch and responded by punching him in the gut (the way boys do?) but Sirius only laughed it off before roughing Remus' hair up.

Remus swatted his hands away, looking disgruntled.

As he climbed into the bench, Sirius looked between Lily and Marlene with a furrowed brow and pursed lips for longer than seemed necessary.

"Try not to think so hard, Black. You'll hurt yourself."

"Where's the other one?" He motioned a finger between the two, ignoring Lily's previous statement.

"Do you mean Mary, Sirius?" Marlene answered as Lily rolled her eyes. "Mary MacDonald, who you were only just caught in a broom closet with last week?"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, that one." He squeezed into the small space between Remus and Lily, knocking him in the ribs. Lily scooted down the bench to grudgingly oblige him.

"I would try looking in the library," Marlene said.

"What gave you the impression I was trying to find her?" He looked at Marlene like she was crazy and muttered, "Honestly, woman _,"_ under his breath as he helped himself to a cup of pumpkin juice. He scooted further into his position on the bench and squinted at Remus. "Merlin, Moony, have you been here the whole time?"

Remus ignored him. Marlene squirmed in her seat uncomfortably and looked at Lily. Interactions between the two boys had been rather strained as of late, something Lily knew better than to question Remus about.

"Where's your other half, Black? El Capitan?" Marlene asked, changing the subject.

"Oh, he's avoiding Red," he jerked a thumb towards Lily without looking at her. "Wasn't that obvious?"

Remus elbowed Sirius causing him to choke on his pumpkin juice. "Oi!"

Lily stooped dabbing at the spilled tea dripping down the side of the table and looked at Remus, who was glaring at his friend. "He's _obviously_ avoiding me?" Lily asked, a flush of color rising in her cheeks.

Sirius didn't answer her as he wiped the juice that had escaped his mouth.

Remus leaned over the table to look at her, "Don't listen to Sirius, Lily." He said reassuringly, then looked sharply at Sirius. "He's only trying to stir up trouble, possibly the _only_ thing he's good at these days." Again, Sirius said nothing.

Before she could overanalyze the fact that James Potter was avoiding her, _obviously avoiding her_ , she caught the sight of a familiar small figure hurriedly making their way down the Great Hall.

Alice Murphy was a kind girl with soft edges and a sweet smile. She was commonly well-liked for the positivity that wafted off her and an honest compassion that was hard to come by. She was widely respected as Head Girl and when she traded her long brown locks for short wispy spikes everyone had complimented her sincerely and affectionately because Alice Murphy could be lovely even with no hair at all. Though, as she drew closer to where they sat, Lily thought she looked far more ill than she did lovely.

Lily climbed out of the bench just as she passed and caught her arm gently, "Are you alright, Alice?"

Alice jumped at Lily's touch, but recovered quickly and turned around to face Lily with a nervous smile. "I'm good, how are you?"

Confused by her addled response, Lily repeated, "Is everything alright?"

"Oh, well, that's a bit rude, considering I haven't seen you all day." She looked down at a folded piece of parchment that she held and quickly, not so subtly, placed her hands behind her back. A brief moment of silence passed, and then she rocked back on her heels and continued, "Well, gotta run!"

She turned around and came face to face with Sirius. "What's got you so tense, Murphs? Did Frank forget to water your plants?"

"I have important business to discuss with Professor McGonagall." She cleared her throat and held her head high to a much taller Sirius Black. "Head Girl business, if you must know."

She tried to sidestep around him with her hands behind her back still when he cleverly managed to swipe the parchment from between her fingers. "Black, don't!" she shouted. Sirius had little respect for anyone, and everyone was warned not to take it personally.

He darted behind Lily, with a grin that closely resembled that of a child opening presents before Christmas morning.

Remus got up and dodged Alice's hand as she tried to stop him, and Marlene, refusing to be left out began to crawl over the table towards them, drawing several startled glances her way from neighboring Gryffindors.

Sirius read aloud the contents of the paper in his hands, teasingly, like he was reading Alice's diary, " _Dirk Cresswell_ —," the next words died in his throat, however, and suddenly all the humor in his face had gone.

Remus looked up at Lily from where he stood behind his friend with an unreadable expression. Before Marlene could read it herself, Lily grabbed the note from Sirius, ignoring his protest. An angry heat began to rise in her chest as her eyes darted back and forth across the page. It read:

Dirk Cresswell _**mu**_ **dblood**

Lily Evans **mudblood**

Leon Thomas **blood traitor**

Those of inferior blood beware the new world order.

Those who seek to oppose will not be spared.

**THE DARK LORD RISES**

For the second time in her school career, Lily's blood ran cold. For it had not been a month before that Anton Waternaux was descending the steps towards Herbology, hand in hand with girlfriend Phoebe Crossier. His foot had begun to fall onto the next step below him when the world around him turned upside down and suddenly, he was falling. The papers he had been holding slowly drifted down to where he laid a heap on the floor. All he remembered was the pain, he said. There had been so much pain. Several hours with Madame Pomfrey working profusely over him, he awoke, suffering from several mending broken bones and a cracked skull. He had spent the following two weeks recovering in the infirmary.

The previous week a second year Ravenclaw walked up to Professor Flitwick during lunch hour and asked him what the word " _mudblood_ " meant as she handed him a piece of parchment paper, bearing the same resemblance to the one Lily held now. The entire surrounding Ravenclaw and Gryffindor table had fallen silent upon hearing the nasty word.

Phoebe Crossier was one of the three muggleborn students on the list written in red ink, an uncomfortable likeness to blood seemed to be purposeful. The staff was unable to find the author of the list after several interviews were held and various wands were checked. Many believed that whatever jinx had sent Anton tumbling down the stairs had actually been meant for Phoebe. Others speculated that someone had wanted to teach him a lesson for soiling his pureblood reputation, given rumors that they planned to marry after graduation. Dumbledore made a public announcement that same night, urging anyone with information to come forward, that the endangerment of a student's life would not be tolerated. But as the week passed, everything had quieted down and the school had moved past it once Anton had healed.

Anton Waterneax and Pheobe Crossier did not get married after graduation last year.

Her hands trembled and her lips formed a tight line across her face as Dumbledore's words echoed in her mind, _"Hogwarts must be a united front against the darkness that threatens us beyond these walls."_

She heard Remus ask her a question, but she wasn't listening. She was looking at McGonagall, where she sat at the high table.

Alice held out her hand with caution, her fingers at the edge of the parchment, "Dumbledore made it very clear, Lily. This must be turned in for examination."

For a moment, she rationalized with herself that as a prefect, she needed to hand the paper over. So, she let Alice take hold of it and turned towards Remus behind her, trying to control her emotions.

That's when she saw him. A flash of pale skin against black robes and unkempt, long black hair.

_United_ , she repeated over and over in her mind angrily. _Fuck that._

Tearing the paper from Alice's hands, she bolted after him.

"Evans, that needs to be taken to a professor!"

"Lily, _stop_!"

"Where is she going?"

Severus barely had a moment before her hands shoved him hard from behind, causing him to drop the textbooks in his arms to the floor. He reeled around to face his attacker, ripples of shock and confusion falling across his face before he settling on a scowl. He blinked and yelled, "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

Mulciber, who had been walking beside him, halted to a stop upon hearing the crash of books against the floor, immediately reaching for his wand.

She shoved the paper forcefully into his chest, just as he had regained his footing. "Is this supposed to be some kind of sick _joke_?" she shouted.

A few students who had been walking by came to a stop several feet away from them to watch with foolish intrigue.

He glanced at it briefly before throwing it back in her direction. "What is this?"

She gave him a dirty look and scoffed, "Don't play dumb."

Remus, Marlene, and Sirius caught up with her now, standing behind her. Marlene came to a stop beside her, trying to pull her away with a firm grip on her arm, "He's not worth it, Lily." But she could not be moved.

Severus hissed back at her, "I don't know what this is."

"I find that hard to believe." She snapped.

He looked towards Mulciber, as if to make sure he was still standing there. "I don't care what you do or don't believe."

"Oh, so I suppose Anton Waternaux jinxed himself down the staircase? Or was it one of your lackeys?" She looked sharply towards Mulciber beside him. "Frankly, I'm surprised you managed to spell all the words correctly." Mulciber's nostrils flared at her insult and began to retort back, but a hand from Severus silenced his rage.

"You can't accuse me of everything bad that happens in this castle," he sneered at her. "He should have known better, anyway, with all his muggle praising. He was bound to make a few people angry." He began to turn away.

Lily refused to let him to his back on her without the final word.

She wanted to humiliate him, the way he had humiliated her so many times before. She wanted him to feel the embarrassment she had felt when he'd gone and proved everyone in her life right after she had held on for so long. _Defended_ him for so long. Played into her _own_ delusion for so long. She must have held on so tight, she missed when her oldest friend had fallen so far beyond her help, and slipped through her fingertips.

But their friendship had begun to implode long before. The moment their friendship cracked wasn't by the lake with one word – it was several moments, over several years, with several words all orchestrated to shatter everything in one fell swoop.

Lily needed rationality to take a back seat. She needed this moment to gain some twisted and illogical sort of closure she never got. And maybe she needed this moment for other reasons she didn't want to think about, but there was a searing hot anger she still felt every day when she thought about the fact that two of the closest relationships she had in her life had died that summer.

"You say muggle like you're not half of one!" She yelled as he walked away from her. "My father was a muggle, just the same as yours! But I guess I'd be just as embarrassed if mine was a scum, worthless excuse for a human being." His next step faltered. "And you're just like him." He stopped.

Severus drew his wand on Lily, coming to face her, the way she had expected him to. Lily was quick to dodge a flash of bright light that had exploded from the end of his wand, and then she looked at him, feeling the corner of her mouth twitch, and knew she had gotten to him. He began to lift his wand once more and Lily's mind began to form the beginnings of a charm as she reached for her own wand, when the soaking wet form of James Potter stepped in front of her with his pointed at Severus. "Alright there, Evans?" he said coolly, his eyes flickered with mischief.

The students had formed a crowd around them now, anxiously anticipating the next move, like waiting for a bird to make its descent upon its prey. Lily was unsure who the bird was in this situation.

"I'd be careful with that wand, Potter." His eyes moved to Remus with a smug look on his face. "There's no telling what I'll do if you hex me."

Lily swore she heard Remus growl behind her, low and inhumanly. Sirius stepped forward with a hardened expression on his face, but Lily held him back.

"Marlene's right. He's not worth it." James turned his head to look at her with confusion.

"I got enough satisfaction watching him prove me right," she said, narrowing her eyes at Severus.

And with that, she took her hand off her wand, and the others relaxed around her, reluctantly.

She began to let Marlene turn her away, towards the common room when Severus let out a nasty laugh under his breath, "You don't want a fight, anyway, Lily." And then he uttered the words that ended it. "You wouldn't want to end up like your father."

In a blur of quiet gasps that erupted from the crowd surrounding them, James and Remus both made a furious start towards Severus while Marlene, who had been holding on to Lily's arm, let go to grab her wand from her back pocket. Sirius, having never been known to come to the red-headed girl's defense, took two steps and began to wind his fist back to meet the smirk that resided on Mulciber's face.

However, Lily Evans was far quicker than anyone expected, acting under no intentional thought or previously planned intellectual judgment. With one turn, Lily swung her hand behind her with all the force she could muster and in one effortlessly executed act of redress slapped Severus Snape across the face.

Severus staggered back, dropping his wand to hold the side of his face in surprise, trying his best to hide the pain. Everyone stopped where they were at the loud _smack_ that had erupted from Lily's hand. They only stared at her, flabbergasted as she pulled her wand out and pointed it at Severus for the first time in her life. Mulciber only stood beside him, thoroughly baffled, with Sirius hovering over him, still with his fist in the air and his mouth agape.

By now you should know that Lily Evans was a terrible prefect.

"What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall walked up to the scene, several students scattering as her voice seemed to shake the walls of the corridor. Alice followed close behind her, pushing past the wave of students going against her.

She came to a stop in front of them, bewildered at the scene before her. Lily never really understood the expression "seeing red" until the very moment McGonagall's eyes fell upon her wand, still aimed at Severus.

"I have never seen such a disgraceful sight." She yelled, and Lily thought her eyes might pop out of her head. "Students with their wands out," she said, her eyes wandering to where an angry red mark could be seen forming on Severus' face, "Muggle-dueling!" She looked at the two opposing sides for some time. "Explain yourselves!"

"Snape provoked her," said Remus stiffly.

"Provoked you?" shouted Professor McGonagall, her eyes now fixed on Lily. "What on earth could he have said that justified a duel in the middle of the corridor?"

Lily looked away, pointedly putting her wand back in her pocket.

Alice quietly collected the parchment that lay at Lily's feet, which Lily had forgotten all about, and handed it to the professor. The shock on her face was quickly hardened as she turned to address the crowd.

"All of you," she shouted to the students who still remained, "are to make your way to the house common rooms."

She turned back, giving Lily a once over. "Miss Evans, I want a few words in my office," she told her, sternly. Severus had begun to step back with Mulciber when her voice stopped him in his tracks, "You as well, Mister Snape."

James tried to protest as Lily pushed past a Slytherin girl towards the office, but McGonagall stopped him. "I gave directions, Potter. I expect them to be followed." Then added to the rest of the group that remained, "I assure you, both Slytherin _and_ Gryffindor have just lost ten points for each of the wands I spotted. I trust you can sort out the math." And with that, she followed Lily and Severus around the corner and disappeared.

* * *

Mary was sitting with Marlene on Lily's bed when she finally returned to the dormitories. Her usually perfect black curls laid on top of her head in a messy bun. At the sight of them, Marlene with her face in a vague swirl of pride and sadness and Mary's with tears welling in her eyes, it was then that she finally let her own tears, tears she hadn't known she'd been holding, roll down her cheeks.

Mary had crumbled along with Lily to the floor beside her bed, resting her weight against the bedpost with her hand running up and down Lily's back, trying her best to comfort her. Lily knew Mary must have felt shaken, if not more so than Lily, about another publication of the anonymous threat. Only several months had passed since Mulciber had cornered her on her way to Gryffindor common room, something she refused to talk about as of yet.

"I snagged this bottle for Halloween," Marlene sighed, hovering about them both, "but I think tonight calls for some drinking."

Lily took the bottle offered to her and chose to ignore the fact that she had an exam first thing tomorrow.

She felt angry. Anger towards the unfathomable humiliation she felt, despite herself, about being degraded to nothing but her blood status.

She was angry that even after her fight with Severus, what should have been a satisfying display of events, she still felt empty inside.

She was angry that all her fury had little to do with Severus at all, in fact, and that she misguidedly thought she could fool herself into thinking it had been. Because even though the most unforgivable words Lily had ever been attacked with had both escaped Severus Snape's lips on two separate occasions, she knew he had little, most likely nothing at all, to do with Lily's name on that list.

What was it Malcolm had said about projecting?

But mostly, beneath the anger and under the influence of several more gulps of firewhiskey, she felt horrible guilt for the way she had treated James Potter just before she had returned to Gryffindor Tower. She felt guiltier about that than she did for anything she had done or anything else that had previously transpired only two hours ago.

James had been waiting for her, leaning against the wall opposite to McGonagall's office when she was released, the professor's words weighed heavily on her. All she had wanted to do was sleep for the rest of the night and try to forget all the feelings that were stirring like a hurricane in her head. He jogged up and came to a stop in front of her, peering behind her at the closed door, uncertainly.

"He was dismissed a couple of minutes ago," she said quietly, without looking into his eyes. "What do you want, Potter?" Her head had begun to throb several minutes into her conversation with McGonagall, specifically when the word _detention_ had been mentioned.

"I just wanted to make sure you were all right." He said, with his hands in his pockets, the cool-tempered attitude he had previously worn downstairs was gone.

She began to walk towards the common room. "I can take care of myself," she snapped. Her tone had been sharper than she meant it to be, but she could feel her temper rising at thought of his unnecessary concern.

He followed close behind her. "I know you can." He squinted, somewhat confused by her manner.

Lily quickened her pace to a less than natural speed, irritated that James wasn't struggling in the slightest to keep up with her.

She reeled around to face him. He skidded to a stop to avoid knocking into her, his face in shock as she raised her voice at him. "Well, then why do you go butting into every conversation I have?"

"Conversation?" He laughed then. "Is that what I stepped into just now?"

"I didn't ask you to step into anything!" she yelled.

"I didn't say you did!"

"I'm not some damsel in distress that needs saving, Potter."

"I know that!" He repeated, shouting back at her.

"Then why were you there?"

"Because despite my better judgment, I care about what happens to you!"

"Despite your better judgment?" It was clear on his face he immediately regretted the poor choice of words, but Lily felt so tired she couldn't stop from continuing on, sarcastically, "Am I supposed to thank you for that?"

"That's not what I meant." He was trying to keep his own temper in check, she could tell, with a furrowed forehead and eyebrows drawn together.

She made to keep walking, but he held her in her place. She ignored the warmth that spread across her arms under his touch.

"Hey! Catch me up here, Evans. Are you _actually_ angry that I stepped into the line of fire for you?"

"Are you so arrogant that you're looking for a-a _reward_?"

"Are you so blinded by your own stupid pride that you can't see that's not it _at all_?"

They had closed in on one another now and, again, she could smell the rain on him. She could feel his breath on her face, her own breathing coming in faster and heavier than before when she was hurriedly walking away from him. His eyes were bright tonight, stained with the amber of a fire's glow.

"Why don't you and your better judgment just go back to avoiding me?" Lily said calmly, mildly upset at the sting she felt, worse than the sting of the ones Severus had used.

"Avoiding you?" he asked, a new expression Lily couldn't identify spreading across his face. His voice was smaller now.

James looked like he was struggling for an answer, to find words that would tell her he hadn't been doing what she accused him of. But Lily only gave him a moment before she started on him once more. "God, it's _true_." She looked heavenward with her face scrunched muddled somewhere between confusion and anger. "I'm such an idiot. Here I was, trying to be your-your—"

"My what?" He cut her off.

She paused for only the slightest of a second, unsure of what exactly she had wanted from James.

" _Your friend, Potter!_ " She settled on, finally backing away from him. "Something! _Anything_ that doesn't involve yelling at each other," she grabbed the sides of her head, feeling like she might explode. "Yet I come to find that you obviously don't want anything to do with me."

Lily watched as his face turned to stone.

"You stubborn—You— " He shouted even though he struggled to form his thoughts into sentences. He took a deep breath and then looked at her with his face twisted up as if he himself was in pain. "Avoid you? It is nearly impossible to avoid you, Evans! You're _everywhere_." He was shaking his head now with an exasperated look on his face. "You're in my classes. You're at early Sunday breakfasts. I walk out of my dorm room and you're there, chatting with your friends. You're even at _my_ practice with _my_ friend. I see you in every corridor I walk down. You—You're in my—" He stopped himself, his hands curling into fists at his hands. "Nevermind," he gritted through his teeth. He looked away from her and with one final breath, his anger seemingly dissolved.

"I'll see you around," he said quietly and turned away in the opposite direction of Gryffindor Tower.

She barely remembered making her way to her room after that, feeling numbed by the ache she now felt throughout her entire body.

She cried further into the bottle in her lap and Marlene joined her on the ground, silently, and only held her. Mary and Marlene both knew what Lily wouldn't say aloud because if she did, then the tears would never stop coming and the sobs would rack her body until she feared nothing would be left of her.

After some time, she wiped her tears with the back of her hand, taking a deep breath as her vision cleared.

"Whoever wrote those damned lists can stuff it, Lily. Don't give it another thought," Mary said, squeezing her arm reassuringly.

Lily smiled at her weakly.

Magic was her birthright, of course. It swam in her bloodstream and intertwined itself through her soul, danced on the edge of a wand that had chosen _her_. And she was bloody good with it, too. She would be damned if anyone tried to tell her otherwise — tried to take that away from her.

But tonight, Lily was too tired to fight. Something in her heart told her there would be plenty of it from here on out.

Tonight the world was falling apart around her, and she wanted to fall with it.

_Sundays are for messes_ , she thought to herself as she took a swig of the firewhiskey in her hand and passed it around.


	3. Trouble Has Known You Well

Lily had always been a light sleeper. When the wind shook the trees outside of her bedroom on a particularly cold morning, she would easily drift into consciousness to listen to the branches lightly tap against the glass and distant chirping fill her room. She would wait in bed until the sunlight overtook the shadows on the walls and spread over her covers, warming her feet. She welcomed that early morning peace before a busy day, a little piece of magic the earth offered her. And when the lingering memory of her dreams faded, Lily would finally lift herself out of bed with a toe-curling stretch and settle her feet against the wooden floorboards ready to begin the day — steady and awake.

The sky was still dark when she heard a light tap against the door.

This time there was no soft drift from the quiet nothingness of sleep, only the burning against her eyes as they flew open and a shock like electricity shot through her body as her senses came flooding back to her. There was no yellow glow flooding through windows, only stark white light from Professor McGonagall's wand illuminated in the darkness of her dorm. Her head was buzzing, overwhelmed with the volume in which her professor urged her to wake. Someone wrapped a robe around her and she was led out to the staircase. She barely gathered her robe around herself by the time she made it into the common room.

Mary was suddenly there, guiding her gently by the elbow to sit. She was handed an envelope already torn open.

Lily ran her hand across the familiar writing as the last of the fog over her vision cleared her mind from sleep. She only just pieces together what this meant as McGonagall began speaking in careful words at her. Her body finally settled into a state of comprehension as those words gave way to a new feeling, a heaviness, which fell over her limbs.

Lily wanted to look at her, a carousel of questions spinning around and around in her mind, but the weight on her was too heavy. It didn't let her move to open the letter in her hand. It didn't allow her to read the words that have been written by her mother. Someone said her name but it sounded like a distant echo, like a shout from a moving train. She anchored herself to the fire in front of her, watched the flames curl and dance around themselves, growing stronger and brighter. Lily let the words fade away as the fire in front of her casted long shadows over the rug and the flames swayed, flicking higher and higher. The longer she focused on them, the more they seemed to slow down for her, speak to her. Their shadows stretched at her feet, desperately searching for her, wanting to carry her into their warmth. If only she could go back to the blissful ignorance of sleep for just a moment longer, she thought — just for a night, a day, or a year perhaps.

She felt a hand against her shoulder, something like a whispered question trying to reach her through a wall, but it felt like the fire was giving her a warning to stay with them for as long as she could hold on. The echoes hummed louder and the heavy feeling fought alongside them as it sat on her chest.

And she knew.

She knew if she tore her eyes away from the flames, her only anchor to the life she knew, it would undo her completely. Because Lily knew what her professor was saying without needing to hear the words.

"Lily…" she heard a deeper voice say, a new one, but she was fighting so hard to hold on she didn't care to know who it belonged to.

 _Just a moment_ , she wanted to say. _Please._

The fire was beginning to slip away into nothing but a burning orange light before her and she now felt panic in place of the steadiness from staring at the flames. _Don't blink_ , she begged to herself. But the voices were starting to close in on her and there was an aching in her throat she hadn't noticed before.

_Don't blink. Don't blink. Don't blink._

They called her name.

_Don't blink. Don't blink. Don't blink._

The tears fell down her face and it felt like breaking glass inside her.

_Don't blink. Don't blink. Don't blink._

"Evans."

Before she could protest, her body betrayed her and she blinked away the tears with a shuddering breath.

Lily hadn't felt steady since.

* * *

"Miss Evans?" Her professor's voice cut through her thoughts, catching her like a deer in headlights.

It was the only way to describe the look on her face when she whipped her head over from where she had been staring absently to meet her disciplinary.

She sensed the eyes of almost her entire class focused on her, various snickers erupting across the room. A scorching heat erupted from her chest, spreading over her face to match her hair as she realized Professor Slughorn must've called her name more than once the way he was looking at her so expectantly.

She stumbled over her words, trying to find an answer to a question she didn't know.

"I don't want to have to give one of my _star_ students detention, Miss Evans. Keep your eyes on your paper." And with that, he returned to his reading, ignoring the whispers that breakout through the room from her classmates.

Lily muttered an apology as she sunk into her seat, staring blankly at the exam she had already finished.

That morning she had woken up with a mad headache, scrambling to get ready in fifteen minutes and make it to Defense Against the Dark Arts before the first bell rang, with little success. The reprimand she had gotten from Professor Bricks hadn't stopped pounding in her head until an hour after, which hadn't made it any easier to get through her first exam of the day. Honestly, whoever made it okay to give students more than one exam in one day should be expelled from the universe. She hadn't started feeling like a real human being until she made it to lunch and ate half her weight in Cornish pasties. Her free period was spent studying for her Potions exam (but really just staring at her notes and counting the hours until she was back in her bed).

And all the while, the events from the night before haunted her every thought.

"What's with you?" Dirk whispered without so much as a glance her way.

"Nothing, just a bit off today," she said as she rubbed her knuckle into her left eye and pretended she was only tired. She might've been hung-over, but she wasn't about to go and tell him that. She was a prefect, after all, with a reputation to uphold.

Well, Lily wasn't sure what her reputation was exactly.

"Oh? Just _today_?"

 _Probably not a good one, then,_ she concluded.

Slughorn cleared his throat from his desk across the room, he looked at them over his paper with an arched brow, and she saw Dirk bite back a snort.

"Shut it." And he does, returning to scribbling onto his parchment paper.

She appreciated that about him.

Lily had never really spoken to him until the beginning of the school year when she'd forced herself into the seat next to him on the first day of Advanced Potions instead of her usual table with Severus at the front.

Dirk was an easy person to talk with. He didn't take himself too seriously and wasn't a fan of people who did. Nor did he care about the gossip that circulated the halls at Hogwarts, _even when Lily was the subject of those conversations_. He was a great partner, almost as talented at Potions as Lily, she might say. _She was only slightly bitter about it._ The work was just as easy with him as it had been with Severus, but with much less of the tension and rigidness that had developed between them as the years went on. It was just... nice. He had unknowingly, and perhaps unwillingly, become one of her favorite people at Hogwarts.

She was trying to keep her eyes down to avoid another disapproving look from Slughorn when her eyes drifted involuntarily towards James.

He shifted in his seat, only a few students away from her.

Her new seat, she learned, allowed her a clear view of him any time Slughorn didn't lecture for the day.

She couldn't help but study him instead of the paper in front of her. He looked almost strategically disheveled. Everything was in its place, yet the tie around his neck was slightly askew under his vest. His robe was tied neatly around him, but one side fell off his right shoulder. Black curls spilling over the top of his head, reaching for the round glasses that hung so dangerously low on the bridge of his nose. It was something that on anyone else would look messy and careless. But on James Potter, she couldn't help but feel like it was part of his charm. A charm she would have been reluctant to admit to herself he had only a few months before.

Of course, she'd tried to get his attention when she'd seen him in the first period (that is if you count staring at the back of his head so intensely in the hope that he would turn around as _"trying to catch someone's attention"_ ). He hadn't shown up for lunch, which left Potions for the awkward encounter, but he'd arrived just as the bell rang. She didn't know what she would have said to him either way. And wasn't sure she would want Severus around to hear any of it. All she knew was the moment she looked in the mirror that morning; she had immediately regretted several things from the previous night. The way she had treated James — well, that was at the top of the list.

"Alright! Quills down, students. Let's turn our exams in! Now don't forget..." Slughorn's voice trailed away as stools screeched across the floor and students began their conversations.

Lily didn't move because suddenly a pair of hazel eyes replaced the space where black strands of hair used to be.

His shoulders tensed like he'd sucked in a breath, caught off guard from what should have been just been a glance in passing with no motive or thought behind it, but was now the two of them staring at each other from across the room while the rest of the world bustled and carried on without them. She opened her mouth to say something, anything. But her mouth felt as dry as a desert and she couldn't remember ever being so intently watched by anyone, much less James Potter. His gaze was unnerving, claustrophobic, and yet it was the only thing that made the world stop at that moment. Now only silence lingered in the air.

His eyes flickered to her lips, waiting for her and it seemed like forever, but then forever passes too soon and before she could form any semblance of coherent thought, he rose out of his chair, turned in his exam, and left.

She shut her eyes in disappointment.

"Wow, that wasn't awkward at all."

Lily realized Dirk had been waiting for her to get up and turn in her exam.

She gathered her belongings in her bag and walked past him to her professor's desk, trying to shake off whatever the hell just happened.

"Don't get me wrong," he said, skipping to catch up to her. "I like a good, longing stare as much as the next guy, but that was..." he let out a long whistle as he set his paper down with hers and shook his head. "That was just embarrassing, Lily."

"Thank you, Dirk." She hid her face in her textbooks, hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt.

"I mean, for me. Not for you. He seemed pretty into it."

She rolled her eyes and raised her chin. Refusing to play his game. "Goodbye now, Dirk."

"I'm sorry, but even I have to ask what that was all about!"

 _I don't know,_ she tried to convince herself, and settled for, "It's nothing." Her voice sounded nervous enough for Dirk to take notice, reminding her that it was not (in fact) _nothing._

He stopped in front of her, giving her a half-hearted smile. "Alright, I'm sorry." A pause. "Look... if you—uh, need to like, talk or..." He scratched the top of his head and shifted his feet uncomfortably. The way he couldn't look Lily in the eyes as he tried to offer his support was almost comical but mostly, it was just pathetic.

She put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and patted, "Thank you, Dirk, but if I wanted to talk about it... It definitely wouldn't be with you."

He feigned shock, but quickly fell into step with her out to the corridor, "Good because I don't want to give you the wrong idea about our friendship."

She laughed, grateful for the change in subject. "And what idea might that be?"

"That I'm here for more than just an Outstanding in Potions, of course."

She nudged him playfully and let herself laugh with him, "You look more like a Troll to me if any—" The laugh died in her throat as she spotted another black-haired boy, but one that was waiting for her this time.

Severus looked as though he hadn't slept at all. The warm firelight from the corridor the night before had better concealed his ghostly appearance, now more apparent in broad daylight. She hadn't noticed it before, probably because she had actively been steering clear of him in class. Now the dark circles under his eyes were hard to miss, as they seemed to cast a shadow on his pale skin, giving him a look of perpetual melancholy.

"Lily..." He said her name like a question as he approached them cautiously.

She searched for Mulciber or Avery standing off somewhere within earshot but he shook his head, reading her mind. "It's just me. Can we talk?"

Lily turned to Dirk, expecting him to tell Severus to keep moving, but he simply smiled at her and left her with a shrug and a, "See you later, Lily."

As she watched him go, it dawned on her that she hadn't asked if he had even been spoken to by a professor yet. With a pang of guilt and fear, she almost wanted to go after him instead of staying under the watchful gaze of her old best friend.

But Severus pressed further, "Please, Lily."

She hesitated for a moment before nodding cautiously.

He reached for her arm to guide them further from intruding ears, but she sidestepped the gesture. He said nothing and let her lead them to a more secluded part of the hallway.

They came to a stop facing each other, closer than before, and she saw his eyes weren't as dark as they had been when she'd confronted him yesterday. Instead, they were bright and looking right at her. "I'm... I'm so sorry. The things I've said— I didn't mean any of it. I know you haven't been yourself lately. I understand why you reacted the way you did last night and why you're angry. You have every right to be." He ran a hand through his hair like he wanted to pull at it strand by strand. "And last night my temper got the better of me. But it's been two months, Lily, and I just... I just want you back."

As she processed his words, trying to form a careful response, he continued with, "I tried to see you that day, but—" he bit the inside of his cheek. She looked away from him with a clenched jaw as sleeping memories of a grey peppered copper beard and the sweet scent of melting brown sugar threatened to resurface.

Instead of continuing, he skipped to his true meaning. "Lily, you know I didn't mean it when I called you... _that_ word. I'm sorry."

 _That word_ , she repeated in her mind. That word had been the culmination of their seven-year friendship.

The day at the lake was more a flurry of noises and images now than it was a clear memory. They had been on a break from exams and Lily had just taken her last one for the year. She and Marlene were basking in the sun's warmth. After many grueling and sleepless nights spent studying textbooks until their eyes burned, summer had officially begun. It had all been so nice.

That was until she heard the shouting.

She remembered James and Sirius laughing as a struggling Severus tried to regain his footing and students standing idly by to watch the show. Some had even cheered James on. Lily remembered telling James to leave him alone, which had amused him and in turn had only aggravated her annoyance with him. From behind her Severus had found his wand and the smile on James' face disappeared as a bright red line of blood had begun to spread across his face. Lily remembered being horrified; not being able to identify what kind of spell would make someone bleed that way. And then they were dodging jinxes, shouting at each other until Severus couldn't shout any longer and James had him suspended in the air. Lily had tried to come to his defense, but then he had said it: _filthy mudblood._

But the words, his voice, the way it had escaped his mouth so naturally; Lily remembered that part clearly.

She stormed off after swearing she was through with him for good, but it hadn't been enough.

Lily had been angry with herself for all the things she hadn't been able to say to him that day. Maybe last night wouldn't have happened the way it did if she had gotten the chance to. Their friendship had ended that day, which was a fact she understood would not have changed. Even so, she had replayed the moment in her head over and over again for weeks, hoping for a resolving feeling that would help her move past it.

She knew there were plenty of justifiable reasons to remain angry. She could be angry that Severus was trying to apologize for something she knew he truly believed. She could be angry that he dared to ask for her forgiveness. She could be angry that he had made her feel beneath him. Yet all the shouting and the ugliness from last night hadn't been enough to relieve the heaviness she felt in her chest.

Lily was so tired of living in her anger all the time.

Finally, she took a deep breath and said quietly, "I forgive you."

His eyes widened and she could see his shoulder relax ever so slightly like he had been holding his breath. Her words must've felt like familiar territory like he knew what to expect from her next. They put him at ease so much so that he tried to take her hand in his, the corner of his mouth lifting into a ghost of a smile.

But she moved her hand away.

She crossed her arms across her chest, holding herself. "I think we've both done some things we regret now. I didn't think it was possible to forgive you, but I know now that I don't want to live the rest of my life being angry with you." Her breath was shaky, but she tried her best to steady it. "You were my best friend, but I've made too many excuses for you and I won't do it anymore."

He was shaking his head as he heard her words. "No, please, let me explain! I wasn't thinking!"

"No, you weren't," she agrees bitterly, "For the first time I got to see the real Severus, not the version you always pretended to be around me."

"That's not true, Lily. I'm still me!" He was desperately trying to hold her gaze, but even in their proximity, he was still too tall. Her gaze remained shifted down towards his left forearm, the only spot on his body that she had often thought about and what it might bear in time.

"The world is changing, Sev—Severus." She reminded herself to say his full name because they would never be on those terms again. "We're not kids anymore. You can't pretend like it's you and me against the world."

"What does the world have to do with you and me, Lily? I would be able to protect you!"

"From who? Death Eaters?" she challenged.

"So, this is about Mulciber, then? Avery? They play meaningless pranks!" His brows drew together as the anger in his voice had begun to rise. "How is it any different than what Potter and his mates get up to?"

She did not want to justify his question with a response. It was like Severus was trying to get her to admit to something she wasn't guilty of. He was always trying to convince her that James Potter was worse than the things she claimed he did. Lily has never tried to downplay it. James Potter was a bully. It was a big reason Lily despised James over the years. He was arrogant and at times childish... but hadn't he been right? Calling Severus a wannabe Death Eater? Hadn't they all been right in warning her that he used dark magic?

He sighed, "I said I was sorry for calling you that word, but you know I don't honestly believe that about _you_."

"No. It just slipped out, right? You'd have me believe I'm your exception in a world filled with mudbloods? You'd have me believe you're not just like them when I'm not around?"

"They're my housemates, Lily! It's not like I'm actually friends with them!" It's so blatant a lie he couldn't even look at her when he said it.

Some heads turned as they pass by them, but most people minded their business and continued to hustle down the hall.

She huffed, offended he could think she was that naive. "You can't even deny they all want to be Death Eaters, Severus. And you and I both know there's more to it than that. You want it, too." She paused, her determination wavering for a moment because she had never said it out loud before.

He didn't respond.

"It's obvious now. The way they follow you around like you're their leader." Maybe it was a slight over-exaggeration and didn't try to hide the disdain when she said it, but she wanted to get the point across.

It became quite clear to Lily that many things had changed by the start of their sixth year. And no matter how much she hadn't wanted to notice, even she couldn't ignore it because Severus, who had once rested in the shadows of bigger and meaner devils, had somehow climbed up the ranks of the Slytherin hierarchy overnight. It wasn't as apparent as roaming the halls, flanking him on both sides, and cutting down anyone in their path.

No, it was the little things.

They were always in the same place as Severus, keeping their distance, but their presence was known nonetheless. It wasn't so much that they waited for orders, of course, but there was a kind of muted anticipation whenever he opened his mouth — as if they knew their words still mattered, but somehow Severus' word mattered more. Mulciber's belligerent manner could be subdued by the wave of Severus' hand. Avery's sadistic sense of humor was less publicly displayed in general. Even Rosier, the most erratic of them all, was in more control of his behavior now, at least in the presence of his friends. It was as if they had become smarter, less reactive, and more calculated.

Lily had an idea about the kind of things it would take to be able to command like that.

He pleaded for the last time with her. "I would never hurt you, Lily. If you could only understand."

She responded with a quiet question, whispering but no less clear, "And what about the dark magic, Severus?"

She almost expected him to make an excuse like he had so many times before. _It was_ _just a laugh,_ he would say, but Lily knew the truth about the spell James had used on Severus at the lake because she had seen it before. It was the same one Mulciber used on Mary a week before.

Lily giving Severus every chance in the world made her thick, sure, but she wasn't ignorant.

It all fell together like pieces of a puzzle — the endless scribbling in the margins of a textbook he didn't need to study, his trying to hide it away from her, the deep cut on James' face that day, the way Severus had seemed so desperate to play it off as a joke. Severus hadn't wanted her to discover that he was the source of the spell that had been used on her friend.

"So, it doesn't bother you that your _precious Potter_ would use such a 'terrible' jinx?" This made some heat rise in her cheeks, not because of what he was insinuating, but from the flicker of possessiveness that lied in his eyes when he said it. Like Lily could only belong to Severus somehow.

"Potter's not my anything," she vehemently replied. "Both times that magic was used were cruel, but you were the only one willing to pass it off as a laugh when it was directed at someone other than you! Or rather, so you wouldn't have to admit that you'd given that spell to Mulciber to test out in the first place!"

Her hands curled in fits at her sides. "Maybe the jinx isn't the darkest magic there is, but it's who you allowed to have it and he abused it. And you just stood by and let him."

He let the words hang in the air between them. The crowd of students in the corridor had thinned, taking the noise with it, and she could hear the rapid beating of heart pulsing in her ears. His expression had hardened towards her now and the light of all his hopefulness when he had first approached her had become clouded.

"So, this is it. You've made up your mind about me," he said tightly, his black eyes stared into her green.

She exhaled slowly and looked him in the eyes, "You've chosen your way, and I've chosen mine."

He held her gaze for a moment, his face scrunched up like he was in pain.

Severus nodded and with nothing left to say, he leaves her standing in an empty corridor.

It wasn't until he turned the corner, disappearing, that she could finally unclench her fists.

She turned and walked in the opposite direction and as the blood rushed back to her hands, she felt her chest a little lighter than before.

* * *

Lily was thoroughly exhausted by the time she made it to detention.

She had gotten off easily with McGonagall, and she knew it had little to do with the way Slughorn had spoken on her behalf. After all, it was his top students that had been caught in the middle of a quickly escalating fight in the hall. But, being the fair man she knew him to be, he tried his best as he spoke with no care to conceal his blatant favoritism, especially given her "current state" as he had called it. It was because of Slughorn that Lily made it out of that office with polishing trophies as her punishment for the next week. No magic allowed, of course. But Lily knew the rules, dueling or no dueling. Her prefect status should have been revoked. The only reason she still wore a badge on her robes was due, in the end, to technicalities.

Lily hadn't been in the room when they had been spoken to, but Marlene gave her a slightly tipsy rundown about being lined up by Slughorn to get the story straight.

Marlene had a hand gripped around her wand, but technically, it hadn't been out. Remus had his wand only halfway out of his pocket when McGonagall walked up to the scene, so he got off as well. Neither of them received any punishment other than what had been described to her as severe criticism from McGonagall for having been present in the middle of a fight. Remus as a prefect and Marlene as an athlete were both expected to hold themselves to a higher standard — the same line McGonagall had used on Lily. Sirius hadn't actually hit anyone, but since he was found in an incriminating position (you know, fist wound back like it was ready to go through a boulder) he received lines.

Marlene couldn't quite remember how they went. "I think she said, ' _I am a wizard... not a baboon?_ ' Or maybe it was just... ' _I'm a baboon?_ '"

James and Lily were the only ones in their house to have their wands out, but each only lost 10 points as previously threatened because the spells last used on them weren't meant for dueling. Lily lost Gryffindor an extra 10 on McGonagall's rightful suspicion (and strong intuition) that she had started the entire ordeal.

What it came down to was whether or not Lily had struck Severus in the face. They could see the red mark on his face clear as day. This was where she should have lost her position as prefect, but Severus surprisingly denied it. Now, she knew it was because he had been hoping, in a futile attempt as it turned out, to mend the bridge between them. No one else confirmed it either, not even Mulciber or Avery. They were a lot of things, but neither of them had mentioned Lily slapping Severus across the face because they were smart enough to know they would be asked why and the reason wouldn't have done Severus any favors.

All in all, Gryffindor lost 30 points.

Slytherin lost 40; 10 for Severus having his wand out and 30 for trying to hex Lily.

Her eyes burned as she tried to focus on the task at hand. She walked towards the edge of the room, reading off the names on the plaques that hung on the walls, cleaning, and dusting as she went. Every lift and swipe of her arm felt like a sack of rocks was weighing it down. She wished she had eaten more at dinnertime, despite the few slices of fruit from the plate Mary had made her.

She didn't mean to dwell on it, but it was hard to eat when she noticed that not only was James sitting as far away from her as possible (which was to be expected), but Remus had also gone with him. Remus didn't always sit with Lily at dinner, but when he did it would be next to Lily with either James or Sirius on his other side, like a buffer between her friends and his. She knew she was overreacting, that it was her exhaustion that had her thinking with her emotions. But you know that feeling you get when you think everyone is looking at you? And then it's followed up by the horrible realization that everyone _is_ indeed looking at you?

She wasn't even halfway to her friends when she had come to that conclusion.

It would have been nice to have him there. It wasn't that Marlene and Mary weren't great friends to have in her corner, she loved them dearly; but she had grown comfortable with Remus's consistent presence. He had an ease about him, even when he didn't feel like talking, that she missed tonight. The thought that Remus was upset with her, too, well she wasn't sure she could handle that. She didn't need to keep adding to the list of the people that hated her right now. There was no doubt that James had given him the details about their fight outside the dorms. As silly as it sounded to take sides, she was sure he would probably have to side with James whether he wanted to or not.

She was standing behind a glass trophy case that was connected to one of the four pillars in the room when the squeaking of the iron gate swinging open brought her back to the real world.

Professor McGonagall had told her she could dismiss herself once she was done because the entrance to the trophy room remained open at all times, leaving no need for her to return to lock it. She trusted her enough, for as hard as she was on Lily the night before, not to dawdle over her punishment. So, Lily is genuinely confused when a student stumbles inside, a girl with a thick and long braid falling down her back, being backed into the room by another much broader looking one. A boy, she gathered from his build.

She wasn't entirely sure why she ducked behind the case she had been cleaning instead of making herself known, but she hid nonetheless. It was a moment before she heard anything, and then the whispering began. She couldn't make out much from what they were saying at first but reckoned from the tones of their voices that it was a heated conversation. It dawned on her that any moment the two students would probably start to snog each other. It was undeniable that this was a prime location: unlocked past curfew, rarely occupied, and torch-lit to really _set the mood_ (Lily only knew these things because she was a prefect well-versed in busting horny teenagers all over the castle... not from, like, experience or anything).

Crouched and hidden like a creep, Lily kept hoping they would go away soon so she could continue to pity herself in peace.

Their whispers continued and Lily braved a look behind her, through the glass case she was leaning against. It wasn't the ideal position for someone trying to spy because at the level she was at because there were too many trophies and tournament cups blocking her view. Not to mention the fact that her eyes already felt so strained just from being awake too long. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to go on anyway other than knowing the girl had dark hair because the furthest pillar ahead of Lily blocked most of the girl's face.

Lily tried hard to concentrate on their voices, trying to understand what they were doing in the trophy room if it wasn't to snog (because clearly Lily didn't know why else you would come here).

The boy said something as the girl standing in front of him let out an exasperated sigh. The other person replied and Lily had to fight the instinct to jump out from behind the trophy case to intervene because the boy advanced on the girl so quickly she didn't need to see his expression to know it was nothing short of aggressive.

"—did what you asked," the girl said, raising her voice seemingly unafraid of the boy. She didn't even flinch when he got in her face.

He grabbed her wrist and forced her hand open, placing a small vial of something vibrant in her palm. It could have been purple or red, though through the glass it was hard to tell. The girl seemed reluctant to take it but he said something inaudible to Lily and whatever it was, it was enough to make her angrily stuff it into her robes.

"—last time," she heard the girl say.

The boy laughed, husky and low, and she could only catch the last half of his response, "—when he says you're done."

Lily foolishly decided she needed to get closer if she was going to be able to make any sense of their conversation. She started to move towards the next closest display, but she had been crouched for long with most of her weight on just her right leg that when she finally tried to move it cramped and buckled beneath her. She hit the floor, landing on her left elbow painfully with a thump on the stone floor.

The boy was saying something when he cut off and shushed the girl in front of him. "Did you hear that?" And there was something so familiar about his voice, Lily was sure she'd heard it before, but she didn't have the time to think about it because she could hear footsteps hitting the floor rapidly.

She panicked because the first thing she did was reach for her wand before remembering that she didn't have it. It had been left in her dorm as per the rules of her punishment.

It was possible Lily could get out of here unscathed. She was fast on her feet, enough to dodge a spell if they attacked her, and there were plenty of obstacles a jinx would have to go through on her way out the door. But her elbow was hurting pretty bad despite the adrenaline settling in. It would be her against two students, one-armed and wandless.

If she got caught, and they decided not to attack her (although judging by the aggressive energy oozing off the boy, she guessed it was unlikely) she could not see how she would talk her way out of it. She would have to bet on the slim chance that they weren't here plotting something sinister. Her gut told her even though she didn't know how or why, whatever they were arguing about and whatever was in that vial, it had to be connected to the posts that had been popping up around the school about muggleborns.

As slowly as she could manage, Lily began to back up further towards the wall, kneeling beside a large portrait of a previous Hogwarts headmaster. There weren't very many places to hide in the room. Although it was large with several standing display cases decorating the floor, they were all made of glass, and not much taller than Lily herself, providing little coverage even for someone as small as Lily.

She knew she only had about 40 seconds before they found her. She could see the shadows against the wall from where she was now; watching them go down each row, getting closer to Lily and for the second night in a row, Lily prepared herself for a fight.

And then, as impossible as it seemed, a hand reached out from somewhere behind her and covered her mouth. She let out a muffled yelp as her heart jumped out of her body and began to struggle against the person, but they wrapped one arm around her waist and lifted her feet off the ground. Her entire body went rigid as she was pulled backward and everything around Lily went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to update every week or so, this is as far as I've gotten! Reviews are a big help. :)


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